This post was inspired by a recent LinkedIn comment. A contributor pointed out that in life, not everyone will like us. Rather than stressing about it, we simply need to accept it. I agreed, and drew on the analogy of the Distribution Curve. In life, I responded, there will be a small number of people at one end of the curve who think we’re great. Many more in the middle who will think we’re OK and a few at the other end who simply don’t take to us.
Many people, mostly women, myself included, have been brought up to be people-pleasers. Women, more often than men, are the social glue, the appeasers, those who seek harmony and who diffuse conflict. This is deeply ingrained. Brought up to ‘play nicely and share our toys,’ our conditioning means we enjoy the positive social payback. Approval is our catnip.
On the up side, this means many women develop a wide repertoire of so-called ‘soft skills’ (more on that descriptor in a future post) that are as valuable in workplaces just as they were in the classroom and playground.
The cost of needing approval
However, what is the cost of needing approval in our careers? We may shrink from putting ourselves forward where we may encounter conflict (inevitable in management and leadership roles). We are likely to be cautious in expressing our views for fear of others’ judgement. We may miss out on promotion and development opportunities. We still don’t (as yet) make it to Senior Management, Exec or Board level in equal numbers, looking at the UK’s Gender Pay Gap data.
There are two ironies here. Women are highly competent in using the very skills required in order to diffuse conflict and seek resolution. However if we feel our performance will be judged and we will not win approval we may resist the very thing that if we cared less about, we would do very well!
The Distribution Curve principle applies to managing team. I’ve found that whilst it’s good to seek consensus for some decisions, there are times when even if you do, team members will often have very different views. The decision will still need to be made and some staff won’t be happy with it. Trying to please everyone won’t work. That’s life.
If you knew at the outset when applying for a promotion that the principle of the Distribution Curve would apply whoever you were, that a few people would be delighted you had been appointed, the majority would be OK with it and a small number wouldn’t approve, would you be more likely to consider applying?
Imagine for a moment not giving a damn. How liberating would it be to not mind if you knew some people would never approve of something you did? That this wasn’t personal but simply life? I have found as I’ve got older that I genuinely care less about others’ opinions and don’t take things so personally. I can take a more objective and pragmatic view and shrug my shoulders. In turn, I am more relaxed, more naturally assertive, instead looking to myself for approval rather than to others. This makes me feel more centred and comfortable in my own skin. Work is more enjoyable. Other people approach me differently. Being liked is no longer at stake. Approval is a bonus and ironically I receive more of it though I no longer need it.
In order to build confidence and assertiveness there is undoubtedly value to be gained from female-only leadership and assertiveness programmes, from mentors, coaches and sponsors, so do take advantage of these. Don’t wait to be asked to apply!
Once you choose to let go of the need to be liked, you will relax and become more confident. I hope with practice you will achieve the ability not to give a d**n much sooner than I did and that you reap the many associated career rewards.
When you do not need or seek approval you are at your most powerful. #Bossladiesmindset
