How can you edit out unnecessary apologies from your workplace interactions? Women in particular are conditioned to be people-pleasers and to avoid conflict. It can be hard to change these deeply ingrained habits. Here I offer alternative wording and share some resources to help you work on editing out unhelpful language patterns.
I’ve written previously about women over-apologising. There is of course a time and place for apologies. When warranted, they’re a way of demonstrating your empathy. However, overusing the word ‘sorry‘ undermines your authority and weakens your message. This does nothing to cultivate your career confidence and promotion potential.
What saying ‘sorry‘ says:
- I’m afraid of you
- I’m not sincere
- I’m not good enough
Saying ‘sorry‘:
- Undermines your self-confidence
- Erodes your authority and credibility
- Hinders promotion prospects
- Reduces the impact of genuine and appropriate apologies
Examples when it is not appropriate to say sorry:
- Other people have made mistakes
- You need help or clarification
- You need an answer on a decision
Alternative words to ‘sorry’ and how you can choose these to replace unnecessary apologies.
Examples
- When someone bumps into you, is your automatic instinct to say “sorry” even though it wasn’t your fault? Try instead either “excuse me” or “whoops!” which are neutral terms with no blame attached.
- In meetings, rather than prefix your contribution with “can I just say” or “I’m sorry, might I suggest” which is very tentative, simply make your point. “I suggest” or “I propose.”
- If you’re late to a meeting, rather than gushing with apologies and reasons why, say “thank you” instead. It demonstrates your appreciation for keeping others waiting. If someone is chasing you for a reply to an e-mail, thank them for the reminder and let them know when you’ll get back to them.
- If you need to speak to your line manager, rather than say “sorry to ask, I know you’re busy“, try “Is now a good time for a quick question?”
- If you’re asked to do something unreasonable (a task with an unrealistic deadline or something that’s not within your ability to do), say “I’m not able to do that.” No need to add any qualifiers. Directness helps you create personal boundaries. If you’re clear about your boundaries, you’ll attract more respect than if you say “yes” to everything and risk burning out.
It takes time and practice to rewire your brain and change the language you use. I’m not suggesting you need to use words like a blunt instrument to make a point. But gradually editing out automatic apologies will build both your self-esteem and confidence.
Tools to help develop positive language habits
If you’re a habitual over-apologiser, you may be interested in some of the following tools, to help develop new and positive language habits.
- Helps simplify and strengthen writing.
- Identifies weak or hesitant language but doesn’t specifically remove apologies
- Try cutting and pasting your text into one of the above AI tools.
- You can ask the AI to remove any apologies and make it sound more direct.
- Example prompt: “Make this email more confident and remove unnecessary apologies.”
- This Gmail plugin was created specifically for women in professional settings. It underlines words and phrases that might undermine your message (like “sorry,” “just,” “I think,” “I’m no expert”) and explains why these diminutive phrases can weaken your message.
- While primarily focused on job descriptions and recruiting, it also helps identify gendered language and suggests more neutral, assertive alternatives.
Grammarly (Premium) if you’re willing to pay
- Has a tone adjustment feature that helps rephrase sentences to sound more confident.
Ask a colleague. Why not ask a colleague to look at an e mail you’re unsure about before you press ‘send.’ It’s good to buddy up and agree to (quietly) call each other out if you notice each other apologising. It’s surprising how quickly you become attuned to language when you’re listening out for it. This makes it easier to develop new and healthier language habits.