I’m one of those people who love a quote. When I’m delivering a workshop, if I can find a quote to illustrate a point more eloquently or compellingly than I can, I’m a happy woman.
I have a long list of quotes which I regularly update. I reflected on why the quotes I’m most fond of resonated quite so strongly with me- and often the audience too. Here is one of my all-time favourites and what we can take from it..
Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. Chares Swindoll.
Understanding what presses your buttons and the ability to resist an instantaneous response takes resolve, patience and strength. That’s the essence of the message in this quote. Learning to press pause, taking a deep breath before choosing how to respond is immensely valuable. Self-regulation means not being at the mercy of your impulses even though you may be experiencing uncomfortable feelings.
Practicing self-regulation enables you to stay calm under pressure. It helps develop your resilience, helping you to manage stress, deal with conflict and achieve your goals.
How to achieve self-regulation
Practising meditation or mindfulness can help increase your self-awareness in the present moment. That ability to step back, observe yourself and notice what you’re feeling. Being able to recognise and label your feelings means you’re not being controlled by them.
You can practice focused breathing which also helps bring your attention to the present moment.
Once you’ve created a space to think about your feelings and how to respond, you are in a better position to reframe the situation before you.
For example, let’s say a friend cancels a long-standing arrangement at the last minute. Something you’ve been looking forward to for a long time.
Naturally you’ll feel disappointed. If one of your triggers is insecurity, your next instinctive reaction may be to think “Maybe she’d rather be spending time with her new partner instead of me.” If one of your buttons is reliability your reaction might be “It makes me really cross when people cancel at the eleventh hour, it’s really rude!”
The importance of choice
Between the stimulus and your response lies the opportunity to respond differently. According to Arlin Cuncic in ‘How to develop and practice self-regulation‘ there are three ways you can respond; approach, avoidance and attack. What are your emotions telling you? Do you feel like running away or lashing out?
What’s your body telling you? If your heart rate is increasing, then you may becoming angry and wanting to attack. Cuncic suggests focusing on your values rather than transient emotions.
Once you’ve created a space to think about your feelings and how to respond, you’re in a better position to reframe the situation before you.
For example, let’s say a friend cancels a long-standing arrangement to meet up at the last minute. Something you’ve been looking forward to for a long time.
You may think to yourself “ I’m really disappointed!” If one of your triggers is insecurity, your secondary response may be to think “Maybe she’d rather be spending time with her new partner instead of me.” If one of your buttons is reliability your reaction might be “It makes me really cross when people cancel at the eleventh hour, it’s really rude!”
Take a deep breath and acknowledge your disappointment. Consider which of your values is being challenged.
Then try reframing your secondary response. If your friend is generally reliable, then perhaps something has come up that you’re unaware of. Is she OK? Maybe wait a day or so and then check in with her. Consider now you no longer have this arrangement what else you might fruitfully do instead.
If your friend has let you down, then arranging to meet and discuss how her actions made you feel when your emotions are not as high means to can express assertively how her behaviour made you feel and discuss how you will make arrangements going forward so it doesn’t happen again. Focusing on your value it makes it easier to talk about.
These example responses can help to step away from your emotions and look more objectively on the situation, de-personalising it.
Benefits of self-regulation
Developing your ability to self-regulate has a number of benefits. You’ll find it:
- Easier to calm yourself when upset
- Act in alignment with your values
- Persist through difficult times
- Remain flexible, adapting to situations
- See the good in others
- Take control of situations when necessary
- View challenges as opportunities
Swindoll’s quote reminds us that we can learn to have control over how we manage and respond to our emotions. It’s empowering to understand that we are not our emotions and we do not have to be their victims.
What are the quotes that resonate with you and why?
