I’m a sucker for books in the ‘Popular Psychology’ sections in bookshops. I also love an eye-catching cover. The fact that ‘The Let Them Theory’ by Mel Robbins is number one in ‘The Times’ non-fiction section meant I capitulated and bought the hard copy rather than wait for the paperback, to see what all the fuss was about. Here’s a summary of the book with my thoughts.
Core Concept
‘The Let Them Theory’ is a guide on how to stop letting other people’s opinions, drama, and judgment impact your life, freeing you from the exhausting cycle of trying to manage everything and everyone around you.
The theory consists of two essential parts:
- Let Them: Give others the freedom to be who they are, think what they think, and do what they do.
- Let Me: Focus on your response and actions, taking responsibility for what you can control.
My thoughts
The ‘Let Them’ concept is founded on the principles of Stephen Covey’s Circles of Influence and Control. The focus in this book is on letting go of your expectations of other people and how to take control of yourself. It’s an engaging book, easy to read and a very practical guide. Assertiveness approaches feature throughout, contributing to improved communication and wellbeing. It certainly made me reflect on the times I’ve tried (and failed) to influence others’ behaviours.
Key Messages by Theme
1. Stop Trying to Control Others
No matter how hard you try, you’ll never be able to control or change another person. The only person you’re in control of is you – your thoughts, your actions, your feelings. The book emphasises that attempting to manage others creates resistance and resentment while wasting enormous amounts of your energy.
2. Managing Stress and Emotional Reactions
Research shows that 7 out of 10 people live in chronic stress from trying to control others. However, the human brain simply can’t control another person’s thoughts or actions. The theory helps break this cycle by teaching you to focus on your response rather than trying to change circumstances or people.
My thoughts
The section on stress resonated. When I’m stuck in a queue at a supermarket or delayed on my journey, which means I’ll be late for a meeting, I can feel my irritation and impatience as tangible, physical feelings. Too many of these moments, and I will start to lose my sense of perspective, making bad judgments and becoming disproportionately angry.
Taking a moment to breathe calmly helps slow my brain down and regain some sense of what I can control —and to let go of the things I can do nothing about. Learning to respond in this way is good for your health and wellbeing. I may not be able to make a queue or train go faster, but I do have the power to decide how I respond. This reminded me of one of my favourite quotes: “Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react. “ Charles Swindoll.
3. Dealing with Others’ Opinions
The book addresses the fear of judgment that can deter people from pursuing their goals. Most people’s judgments are about themselves, not you, and everyone experiences self-doubt, regardless of how confident they appear.
Let others have their views, but don’t allow their negative opinions to distract or consume you. Waiting for approval means you’ll procrastinate and perhaps not follow the thing you want to do. Focus instead on what would make you proud of yourself.
My thoughts
This section included a helpful reminder that you shouldn’t be afraid to copy others’ successful ideas. Follow a formula that’s been proven to lead others to success and stop stressing about the need to be original.
4. Understanding Difficult People
The author introduces the concept of “Frame of Reference” – understanding that everyone’s behaviour makes sense to them based on their life experiences, fears, and history. This doesn’t mean accepting poor behaviour, but rather responding with compassion while maintaining boundaries.
5. Adult Relationships and Friendships
The book acknowledges that adult friendship requires intentional effort, unlike childhood connections. Research indicates that it takes 74 hours to form a casual friendship and over 200 hours to develop a close friendship, while most people lose approximately 50% of their friends every 7 years.
My thoughts
I found this chapter particularly insightful. If you’ve ever wondered why some friendships endure but others, including ones that go back many years, can end, and not always well, this chapter is worth a read.
The ability to regulate our emotions isn’t something most people have been taught. Adults can behave like eight-year-olds too. We avoid confrontation, give the silent treatment, act stoically, erupt, rage text, vent and lie.
If you want to avoid friendships feeling like a playground, the author encourages compassion. She says ‘Let them’ go silent, erupt, play the victim, make it all about them. Then, ‘Let me’ decide whether I want to address the behaviours or not. Don’t try and manage their emotions- it’s not your job. Remove yourself from abusive relationships. Don’t be a parent to their child. Acknowledge your feelings. Let them rise. Don’t react…they will fall again, often within 90 seconds. You can choose how you respond once your emotions have settled.
There is also a great section on how to create new friendships as an adult. Often we relocate away from old school/Uni friends for work and/or personal reasons and perhaps don’t know anyone in our new area. Robbins says give it a year. Even though it may feel daunting, put yourself out there. Approach others, initiate conversations, join interest groups, compliment others, chat to people in cafes. Invite people for a coffee. Don’t have any expectations. If they say ‘no thanks’, let them. Others will say ‘yes.’
This worked well for me. At my local gym, a woman I regularly chatted to announced she was leaving to join a different gym. I thought “that’s a shame- I really like her.” So I tentatively suggested staying in touch. She was delighted I’d suggested it and we’re still friends several years’ later.
6. Overcoming chronic comparison.
This chapter explores the intrinsic unfairness of life and how to deal with it.
My thoughts
The author highlights two kinds of comparison- torture or teacher:
Torture comparison is when you compare your attributes with others who may be genetically more beautiful, richer, more athletic than you. These attributes are fixed. Yes, life is unfair, so don’t torture yourself- it won’t change anything. You can’t control these things.
Teacher comparison is where you find yourself being envious of something someone else has done that you want to achieve. Maybe they’ve had a book published, changed their hairstyle, or been promoted at work. Teacher comparison is a wakeup call. Jealousy acts as a nudge. You, too, could achieve these things and you do have control over how.
7. Motivating Others to Change
You can’t motivate someone else to change – change only happens when they feel ready and choose to change themselves. Pressure creates resistance, while creating supportive environments can inspire growth.
My thoughts
This section highlights the benefits of motivational interviewing as a technique when supporting others who may be resistant to change or finding it hard.
8. Supporting People Who Are Struggling
The book distinguishes between helping and enabling, emphasising that rescuing people from natural consequences prevents them from finding the motivation to change. True support means maintaining connection while allowing people to face their struggles.
9. Romantic Relationships
Rather than trying to change or fix partners, the book advocates for observing actions objectively and accepting the reality people show you. This allows for informed decisions about who deserves your time and energy.
My thoughts
Well this was the section I could have done with earlier in my life. The author provides a specific script about how to work out whether someone you really like is ready to take the relationship to the next level. It requires courage, but will ultimately save you time and heartache if the person you’re with doesn’t want the same things you do. Rather than hand over your power to the other person, she suggests you take control in a factual way. (‘Let me’). Here’s the wording she uses, which you can adapt to your situation, should you ever need to test it out:
“I have really loved spending time with you. And I know myself, and I’m really looking for a commitment. I wanted to talk to you because I want to see if we both have the same vision for where this is going. I value my time and energy, and I don’t want to put time and energy into spending time with someone if it’s not going to the next level. And I’ve reached that point with you. It’s been really fun. I love spending time with you. But I only want to invest more time and energy if we’re going to the next level. And if you don’t see the same thing, this has been great. But I just know myself and I need to choose to invest the time that I have with people who want the same things I want.”
The Science Behind the Theory
The ‘Let Them’ Theory is supported by decades of research in neuroscience, psychology, relationship studies, and stress management. The book incorporates medical research on the effectiveness of emotional boundaries and learning how to protect your peace without needing to change what others do.
Practical Application
The book provides the “ABC Loop” for various situations:
- Assess the situation (what can/can’t you control)
- Break the stress cycle (say “Let Them,” take a breath)
- Choose your response (focus on what serves your goals- “Let Me.”)
Ultimate Goal
The ‘Let Them’ Theory aims to change how you think about relationships, control, and personal power, whether you want to advance your career, motivate others, take creative risks, find deeper connections, build better habits, or create more happiness.
By letting go of trying to control others and focusing on your responses and choices, you can reduce stress, improve relationships, and create the life you truly want to live.
Summary
While, as the author herself acknowledges, these aren’t necessarily new ideas- just different ways of expressing them, I found some refreshing gems within this book. I hope you enjoy it too, if you’ve not yet read it. If you have, what were your particular take-aways?