Have you ever felt as though you had to please everyone in order to be liked and respected? Do you worry about what others think of you and your decisions? Do you avoid conflict and confrontation at all costs? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you’re probably a people-pleaser.
People-pleasing is a common trait among women, who are often socialised to be ‘nice’, agreeable, and accommodating. Women are expected to be the peacemakers, the nurturers, the helpers, and the supporters. While these qualities are admirable and valuable, they can also hold you back from reaching your full potential.
The problem with people-pleasing is that it comes at a high price. When you try to please everyone, you end up pleasing no one, especially yourself. You sacrifice your own needs, opinions, and goals for the sake of others’ approval. You shy away from opportunities that challenge or risk exposure to criticism. You avoid leadership roles that require you to make tough decisions and deal with conflict. You settle for less than you deserve and limit your growth and happiness.
The truth is, you can’t please everyone, no matter how hard you try. And you don’t have to. In fact, trying to please everyone is a sure way to lose respect and credibility. Not everyone will like you in life, and that’s OK. You just need to accept it and move on.
Let’s illustrate what I mean by using a useful prop- the Distribution Curve.
The Distribution Curve
The Distribution Curve is a simple way of understanding that in any situation, there will be some people who think you’re great, the majority who think you’re OK and some who dislike you. This is true for everyone. It’s not personal, it’s just life.
If you can accept this, you can let go of the need to be liked by everyone and focus on the things that matter most to you. It can help you embrace your authentic self and express your views with confidence and respect. It can encourage you take risks and pursue opportunities that align with your values and goals. It will make you a better leader, one able to handle conflict and diversity of opinions.
Imagine how liberating it would be to not care about what others think of you or your decisions. How much more relaxed, assertive, and happy would you be? Consider how much more enjoyable and rewarding your work would be. Think how much more respect and approval you’d receive from others, even though you don’t need it anymore.
This is not a fantasy, it’s a possibility. Once you stop being a people-pleaser and being concerned about what others think, more opportunities will open up to you. Take advantage of female-only leadership and assertiveness programmes. Mentors, coaches, and sponsors can also play a part. Apply for promotions and positions that challenge you and showcase your skills. You can do this by letting go of the need to be liked and trusting yourself instead.
You will never gain anyone’s approval by begging for it. When you stand confident in your own worth, respect follows.
Mandy Hale
