I recently attended a webinar which was both both insightful and discomforting in equal measure. Fran Sepler has pioneered work in harassment prevention and workplace investigations. Fran’s input explored Toxic Workplace Culture; how it’s created – and how best to deal with workplace bullies if you are unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end.
There are two kinds of workplace bully
Loud bullies
Quiet bullies
Quiet bullies on the other hand are an altogether more sinister prospect. The serial quiet bully does select their prey. They may gaslight, damn you with faint praise, create rumours and gossip about you, change goalposts, and withhold information. They may ask others to help you overcome some (supposed) weakness in performance, in order to draw attention to your shortcomings.
Quiet bullies will deny their behaviour if challenged and will have ingratiated themselves within the wider team and their superiors, cultivating their likeability and organisational indispensability. This means they are protected and unlikely to be challenged. They may threaten you if they think you’ll report them.
The impact of the quiet bully
The personal nature of the bullying can significantly impact your wellbeing and mental health.
Over time, the more angry and distressed you become, the harder it can be for colleagues to be around you. Colleagues may find it hard to accept that an individual who is well-regarded and who they get on well with could behave in this way. The ensuing lack of support and social isolation can be devastating.
Is bullying behaviour gendered?
This was the part that really hit me. Fran outlined the enforced norms we are brought up with. Boys are taught to be impressed by and respect other boys who demonstrate mastery. Whether it’s sporting prowess or some other skill, this leads to male bonding. Winning is transient and losing is part of the game. Boys are expected to try harder or find weaker opponents.
Girls, on the other hand, are encouraged to create intimacy bonds with other girls. They develop social capital and there is a strong emphasis on the importance of belonging. Relationships are currency and exclusion from a group is damaging.
Unsurprisingly, it’s more likely to be women who are the quiet bullies.
Psychologist Jonathan Haidt says: ‘girls and boys are equally aggressive but their aggression is different. Boys’ aggression revolves around the threat of violence….but girls’ aggression has always been relational: “I will destroy your reputation or your relationships.” ‘
When I reflected on those who have been on the receiving end of workplace bullying, more female bullies and female victims came to mind.
Context
Universities, I was depressed to learn, provide fertile ground for bullies. New managers within the academy often receive little leadership training. The power structure attached to tenure, the competitive nature of the environment and the decentralisation of departments all play a part. Often “that’s just the way things are here” provides an excuse for bad behaviour to go unchallenged.
The solutions?
Fran cautioned that solutions are elusive; support needs to come from those with enough social and intellectual distance to offer the complainant credibility and the opportunity to be heard.
Other options; pursue employee support programmes; unions, where the bully is a manager, or other advocates- but use these cautiously.
More important is educating staff about bullying behaviours and psychological safety. Fran suggested that quarterly staff surveys, where all staff can provide feedback on the culture of their departments would help expose undesirable behaviours, especially if these reports were to be shared within the institution- or perhaps beyond.
Support if you are the victim
- Make sure you talk to someone outside your employing organisation
- Keep written records/copies of e-mails
- When toxic closed door conversations take place, follow these up with an e mail
- Report behaviours through formal organisational channels
- Reach out to those who have left; some may have similar stories to tell
- Consider leaving
When asked about Non-Disclosure Agreements, Fran suggested not being tied to an NDA but to seek legal advice. An NDA may be an option in some instances. However not being able to talk about the situation can make it harder to process what’s happened- and to move on.
A challenging topic with (sadly) no easy solutions and one I look forward to hearing your thoughts on. I hope that the information Fran was generous enough to share may at least help those of you who have ever found themselves in this situation to recognise that it really wasn’t you- it was them.
The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing. (Attribution unconfirmed).
