At an online ‘Inspiring Women’ event, ‘Sorry…not Sorry‘, guest speaker Victoria McClean, founder and CEO of City CV, presented a compelling session to female staff on the reasons why we routinely feel the need to apologise- and what we can do about it.
Victoria explained that over-use of the word ‘sorry’ can be career-limiting. It’s an unconscious habit and we use it all the time…..’sorry is this a good time?’ …. ‘sorry, can I come in?’…’I’m sorry but I disagree’…’sorry, can I just say…’
Why do women feel the need to apologise?
We are hard-wired to avoid conflict. Evolution has programmed us to seek acceptance into in groups. As Will Storr says in his book The Status Game ‘We survive by belonging to highly co-operative groups that share labour…but we existed in mobile hunter-gatherer groups for far longer than this- at least one hundred thousand generations. Our brains remain programmed for this style of life. We are today as we’ve always been: tribal. We have instincts that compel us to seek connection with coalitions of others. Once accepted into the group, we strive to achieve their approval and acclaim.’
Status and the need to belong is everything. We all need to feel accepted and will go to great lengths not to be excluded. If, for example, in school, you’ll keenly remember girls who were ‘in’ or ‘out’ of key groups- and how it felt if you were not picked to be in a particular ‘tribe’- or were always last to be selected for the netball team.
It’s no surprise, then, to find that in the workplace we continue to perpetuate behaviours to make ourselves likeable, to fit in and to avoid conflict. It’s hardwired into us. This creates a double-bind.
What saying sorry signals
- I’m afraid of you
- I’m not sincere
- I’m not good enough
We therefore diminish ourselves in an effort to maintain harmony and the primal need to belong.
Saying ‘sorry‘:
- Undermines your self-confidence
- Erodes your authority and credibility
- Hinders promotion prospects
- Reduces the impact of genuine and appropriate apologies
This does nothing to cultivate your career confidence and promotion potential.
What are some alternatives to saying ‘sorry’?
‘I know I’ve had to change the meeting time. Thank you for your understanding.’
‘We have a tight deadline. Do you have everything you need to complete the work needed?’
‘The data analysis is taking longer than I anticipated. I’ll have it with you by tomorrow.’
Examples when it is not appropriate to say sorry:
- Other people have made mistakes
- You need help or clarification
- You need an answer on a decision
- Someone bumps into you or you to them (try ‘whoops’ instead of ‘sorry’.)
Apologise only when you’ve made a mistake.
After the event
Following the event, the Teams chat continued for at least a week, with heated discussion and debate, with resources being shared and follow-up conversations.
I overheard one colleague saying to another. “I just heard you use the word ‘sorry’ when you didn’t need to.” Several staff said they were going to check their e mails before sending to ensure any unnecessary apologies were removed. I observed others consciously using language which avoided the ‘s’ word. Sometimes simply being made aware of a tendency can be enough to adjust your behaviour.
