In my last post, I shared 7 ways LinkedIn has helped me to develop my profile and connections. One my LinkedIn connections is the fabulous Mel Stanley. Mel is currently writing a book and developing a practical toolkit, helping the next generation of female leaders achieve success on their terms.
Mel was interviewing me for her podcast and asked me to tell her about my interest in women’s development. At end of the recording, Mel asked me: “What advice would you give your 21 year old self?“
Instinctively, I blurted out “follow your curiosity. Pursue the things that matter to you. Don’t wait for permission or the approval of others.”
Since the interview, I’ve been reflecting on some of the decisions I’ve made when I was younger that don’t reflect the older, wiser me. I’ve been contemplating whether I might have made better choices if I had that time again. And whether any of the choices I’d made had been influenced by my gender?
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Advice from my school teachers.
“Don’t take Biology ‘A’ Level- it doesn’t go with English and French. You’re not strong enough academically in Maths to do Chemistry. You should take History instead.”
I took the advice, despite my sinking heart. I hated History ‘A’ Level with a passion. I failed the ‘A’ level. While I had no ambition to pursue a career in the Sciences, I did enjoy Biology and was good at it. So I could have taken it without damaging my career and perhaps passed 2 ‘A’ Levels instead of one, which alone was not enough to study for a degree. Instead, I re-sat my French ‘A’ Level at evening class while working full time at W.H Smith & sons. So in effect I ‘lost’ a year of the life I’d planned.
I learned a lot from the experience, such as how to adapt to the reality of retail- on my feet all day, 8.30-5.30pm, for a year. At the time, I didn’t consider my work experience to have value- but it really did give me an understanding of customers and an interest in helping people. It made me appreciate how badly I wanted to do a degree and that I was willing to put the work in to make sure I did.
2. Not spending a summer abroad in France.
I decided to take the lazy option at Uni and drop French as one of my subjects. The reason? Spending the summer abroad would have meant not seeing my boyfriend. I was in love! But what a waste! It was only 12 weeks.
Since then, I’ve revisited learning French through evening classes. However, I could have been so much more proficient had I stuck with it. Who knows? Maybe my career path would have taken a different turn. Ironically I didn’t meet up with my boyfriend once that summer and the relationship didn’t stand the test of time.
3. Getting married (the first time).
Why? I felt I was at the stage of life when settling down was expected. I guess I was seeking approval. I have no idea from whom, when I look back. But the decision to uproot and leave a career I was happy in and a house and place I loved, somehow seemed the right one at the time.
I was miserable in the job I uprooted my life for. I had to accept a demotion to make the move as jobs were in short supply. The culture was not a good fit and I dreaded going to work. after 6 months I escaped and regained my former status in a different job. However, over time the relationship unravelled and I found myself stranded in a part of the country where I was far away from friends and family.
Ultimately, divorce was the best thing that happened to me. The whole upheaval and heartbreak were character-building- but with hindsight I should never have married someone with whom I had little in common and sacrificed so many things that were important to me. In my case, love certainly didn’t conquer all.
So- what advice would you give your 21 year-old self?
I have shared examples (I could bore you with many more) of instances where I’ve made questionable choices. This isn’t to suggest you should regret decisions that with hindsight may not have been in your best interests. I have no idea, had I made different decisions, whether my life would have been better.
Certainly unlearning how to be a people pleaser- something that’s deeply ingrained into girls’ upbringing – was one key lesson I learned. That’s been particularly valuable in my roles as a manager and leader. Also holding out for the things that matter and letting go of people and situations that don’t enable you to be your authentic self.
These lessons have been powerful ones. The value of reflecting on the advice you’d give your younger self can provide you with valuable guidance on decisions still to be made. The older, wiser, more self-aware and confident you might surprise you with the sage advice you’d give to your 21-year old self.
“Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. if it’s bad, it’s experience.” – Jean Plaidy
